It has been a long time since I posted about my journey since leaving my enviable, tenured position in a major American symphony orchestra back in 2012. I did post once (Beethoven AND Bust) during the Covid-19 pandemic, as the fine arts world turned on its side to offer online concerts (as CutTime did here and here), record remotely (as we did here), and pay bills with government assistance (as I did with the PUA). During those two years I was repeatedly and deeply inspired by nostalgia, deathtolls, and dread for the future, to compose a number of unique elegies, romances, hot jazz, and classical blues for both CutTime Simfonica® and full orchestra. Naturally, my goal then became to perform those works “post-pandemic,” or when it was safe.
And this is exactly what we did in 2022 with generous partners such as Barbara Van Dusen, James B. and Ann Nicholson, the Canton (OH) Symphony, ProMusica Detroit, and the Detroit Institute of Arts. Music For Interesting Times launched privately in May, publicly in October, and is finally streaming-on-demand since December. I also commissioned a powerful new film (PG-13) for the Chaconne For Interesting Times by Ann Arbor Film Festival curator Brandon Walley. All this music brought me to tears to create, to perform, and to often hear the concert playback. I am certain they will affect others just as deeply, if not now, then after I’m gone.
So the curious reader might wonder WHY I don’t plan on recording in the studio these new chamber works (only seven players), nor any of my previous compositions and hundreds of arrangements, so that the world might be inspired by flawless performances that generate income and perhaps a valuable Grammy nomination. The short answer is: for me it is not worth the great expense or effort, and is contrary to my accrued beliefs of what gives music its most valuable qualities (such as spontaneity).
I have always been somewhat introverted (private) and impossible to understand; a non-comformist, we would say today (see Enneagram Type-5). Ever since I was young, I noticed the constant ironies of social relationships and sought to avoid being trapped in social belief systems. That is one reason I fell so deeply in love with classical music (besides my mother’s daily piano and singing practice). The proscribed notes on the page were never a straightjacket; they were instead a magical coat I could wear for limitless self-expression, joy, self-confidence, and “blues.” Playing in orchestras led by a demanding conductor was not slavery; it was a chance to make many individual contributions for a large team and purpose. The ambiguity of wordless music was not an inability to really say something of value; it was the endless opportunities for music to say different things to different people with different contexts. Classical music, because it is largely wordless, avoids the natural limitations of spoken language; it is a release from the straightjacket of lyrics for those versed in the “language” of its music.
Naturally, I did at first pursue recording projects with CutTime Players and then CutTime Simfonica®. And today the only three studio recordings we have available are Highland Park, MI: City of Trees, Gitcha Groove On!, and Let The Children Play Part 1. We also released a concert CD, Live in Dearborn, now out of print. But being the out-of-the-box philosopher, I learned very early it would take a lot more time and money to record as well as I wanted, and then a lot more to package the final product (DiscMakers notwithstanding). Plus there would never be payback (thanks to the digital revolution undercutting the market since 1995) other than more live gigs (esp. if Grammy-nominated) and my own vanity. I realized that a commercial recording was very different from the satisfaction of coming close to a perfect live performance, not that any performance was ever perfect. I came to believe perfection is not MY goal in DOING classical music. But rather, that creating and phrasing music in different new ways is MY kind of growth as a good artist.
Friedrich Nietzsche (among others, such as Carl Jung) wrote extensively advising how to own oneself (to be “authentic”), including that it may come at great social cost. This has been my experience as well. To leave the future of humanity (and the universe, I imagine) a few new ways to express itself, I should balance fitting in (to accept the rules and conform to an orchestra and society), and then develop a unique non-conformity (bend the rules) to achieve deep satisfaction that might also benefit the world when done.
So, as far as raising and spending a hundred thousand dollars only to waste even more to campaign for a Grammy-nomination to get more live gigs that won’t guarantee financial recovery even IF I conformed fully, would seem to be an unnecessary challenge to true artistry rather than an arrival. I will gladly leave that to others. Perhaps I will meet them, or even pick them. But likely not. I am not investing in such outcomes, as they will choose themselves. I am deeply satisfied simply having performed the phrases I came up with, and can’t expect much more. I am indebted to those philanthropists who enabled my success, mixed as it was.
On the plus side, THANKS to the digital revolution, anyone with a smartphone can today freely enjoy or research 60% of our cheap, passionate, live recordings on SoundCloud and YouTube (also here and here)! So why haven’t we recorded? We already have; a few pieces many times. They form a solid foundation for future performances. Music is a form of love (agape). And “love isn’t love, until you give it away.”